Hello! Apologies for the radio silence over here. Sometimes I get writer's block, and I need time to step away, clear my head and reset my creative spirit. The few days away have been good for me. I've finally updated all of my product photos, and I can actually say I really love them -- they look so nice and neat! There is something to be said for straight lines. I don't know why that didn't click for me until now. I also added a few more goodies to the shop, if you care to see here + here. And, at long last, my
grown-up product website is almost finished -- all I have to do is finish my wholesale catalog, and I'll be ready to go live! Here's to putting some of last year's dreams into motion. Some of them are happening, slowly but surely! It's exciting.
And while so much good is happening, I tend to focus on the not-so-good anyway. Things in utero have been a kind of depressing lately, and I've been in a such a funk about it. Since we first sought help last summer, we've tried round after round of drugs and shots -- lots of poking and prodding, making me feel like a guinea pig at times. All of these drugs have one goal: to stimulate my ovaries and create multiple follicles, aka multiple eggs -- potential future littles. Having two or three eggs floating around at ovulation time means that we have a couple of extra targets to work with, boosting our chances of conceiving. We've switched it up every month, monitored everything closely, but Monday marked the millionth time that my uterus has rejected our efforts, stubbornly producing just one, big fat follicle -- no more. (We thought a couple of times a second would grow to be big enough to call it #2, but after the fact learned it didn't happen.) I'll take one over none, of course. I know it just takes one to make the whole thing happen. And I don't mean to sound ungrateful, because I know so many women would be thankful for a single follicle every month. I'm thankful, but I'm also incredibly frustrated. My body has produced one follicle a month, like it should, for the two years we've been keeping track -- without any help from drugs. So it makes me feel like all the time spent driving and consulting and monitoring and testing and waiting were all for nothing.
It didn't help that the random nurse who was giving me this news -- "the drugs just aren't working like we hoped" -- also told me she thought the doctor may need to be more aggressive moving forward, suggesting IVF. I know she probably didn't mean for it to, but her comment stung. It made me feel like they're giving up on me already, even though my third cycle with them is only half-over. Inside, my reaction was a mix between this and this.
All we can do is carry on. We just have to hope that this cycle is The One. But first, there is more waiting to be done. Oh, the waiting. It's excruciating. There are fewer things worse in life than the 2WW. (That's two-week wait, for those of you who are blissfully unaware of infertility message boards and the strange lingo that you'll find there.) Also, oh my god -- can we talk about message boards? Why am I so tempted to read through them? Sometimes reading these message boards gives me a sense of community, like someone understands. But mostly they just give me more anxiety than I had before. Does anyone else have zero self-control when it comes to Googling crazy worries or symptoms? It is such a bad idea. I'm starting to think in some ways it might be better to be ignorant than over-informed.
Anyway, as always, thanks for reading and sticking with me here. I feel grateful for this space where I can share my journey, my successes and shortcomings and everything in between. It's a kind of therapy for me to get it all out and release it into the world -- it helps somehow. Time to take a leap of faith and hope that things are going to get better and happen for us this year. We'll see.
Here's to a new day ahead -- and a beautiful weekend! I hope you all have fun things planned. I'm going to take time to reflect, make things and go out on a treasure hunt or two. Have a wonderful weekend, and I'll see you back here Monday, refreshed and renewed with lots of pretty things to share. xo -- Natty
Art by To Write Love on Her Arms