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January 17, 2014

A time to reset and grow


Hello! Apologies for the radio silence over here. Sometimes I get writer's block, and I need time to step away, clear my head and reset my creative spirit. The few days away have been good for me. I've finally updated all of my product photos, and I can actually say I really love them -- they look so nice and neat! There is something to be said for straight lines. I don't know why that didn't click for me until now. I also added a few more goodies to the shop, if you care to see here + here. And, at long last, my grown-up product website is almost finished -- all I have to do is finish my wholesale catalog, and I'll be ready to go live! Here's to putting some of last year's dreams into motion. Some of them are happening, slowly but surely! It's exciting.

And while so much good is happening, I tend to focus on the not-so-good anyway. Things in utero have been a kind of depressing lately, and I've been in a such a funk about it. Since we first sought help last summer, we've tried round after round of drugs and shots -- lots of poking and prodding, making me feel like a guinea pig at times. All of these drugs have one goal: to stimulate my ovaries and create multiple follicles, aka multiple eggs -- potential future littles. Having two or three eggs floating around at ovulation time means that we have a couple of extra targets to work with, boosting our chances of conceiving. We've switched it up every month, monitored everything closely, but Monday marked the millionth time that my uterus has rejected our efforts, stubbornly producing just one, big fat follicle -- no more. (We thought a couple of times a second would grow to be big enough to call it #2, but after the fact learned it didn't happen.) I'll take one over none, of course. I know it just takes one to make the whole thing happen. And I don't mean to sound ungrateful, because I know so many women would be thankful for a single follicle every month. I'm thankful, but I'm also incredibly frustrated. My body has produced one follicle a month, like it should, for the two years we've been keeping track -- without any help from drugs. So it makes me feel like all the time spent driving and consulting and monitoring and testing and waiting were all for nothing. 

It didn't help that the random nurse who was giving me this news -- "the drugs just aren't working like we hoped" -- also told me she thought the doctor may need to be more aggressive moving forward, suggesting IVF. I know she probably didn't mean for it to, but her comment stung. It made me feel like they're giving up on me already, even though my third cycle with them is only half-over. Inside, my reaction was a mix between this and this.

All we can do is carry on. We just have to hope that this cycle is The One. But first, there is more waiting to be done. Oh, the waiting. It's excruciating. There are fewer things worse in life than the 2WW. (That's two-week wait, for those of you who are blissfully unaware of infertility message boards and the strange lingo that you'll find there.) Also, oh my god -- can we talk about message boards? Why am I so tempted to read through them? Sometimes reading these message boards gives me a sense of community, like someone understands. But mostly they just give me more anxiety than I had before. Does anyone else have zero self-control when it comes to Googling crazy worries or symptoms? It is such a bad idea. I'm starting to think in some ways it might be better to be ignorant than over-informed.

Anyway, as always, thanks for reading and sticking with me here. I feel grateful for this space where I can share my journey, my successes and shortcomings and everything in between. It's a kind of therapy for me to get it all out and release it into the world -- it helps somehow. Time to take a leap of faith and hope that things are going to get better and happen for us this year. We'll see.

Here's to a new day ahead -- and a beautiful weekend! I hope you all have fun things planned. I'm going to take time to reflect, make things and go out on a treasure hunt or two. Have a wonderful weekend, and I'll see you back here Monday, refreshed and renewed with lots of pretty things to share. xo -- Natty

10 comments:

  1. Sending love! And yes to zero self-control when it comes to Googling symptoms and worries. I've been doing a bit of that myself this week. If I could resist the temptation to self-diagnose and to stop checking FB on my phone every 10 minutes, I'd add a ton of time to my days!

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    1. Ack, FB is my other crutch. I actually deleted the app from my phone recently, and I feel REALLY good about it.

      Thanks for the love, dear friend :)

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  2. I like reading these post. I know they can be "the hard but good" ones to write. I think of you often, sending you good vibes always.

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    1. Thank you, friend! Taking your good vibes and holding on to them tight.

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  3. Thinking of you my love. xoxo

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  4. Hey Natalie,

    I don't know if you recall but I reached out to you after you first announced your struggles with infertility. I too was unresponsive with fertility meds (one egg per month no matter what) and opted to try Natural Cycle IVF with ICSI and Assisted Hatching. I was awaiting the results of the pregnancy test when I wrote. I didn't want to write again because I didn't want to throw salt in your wound. But today I am writing this while I hold my sleeping 14 week old daughter in my arms!

    Don't be afraid of IVF. Please don't think of it as giving up. Think of it as "ok, enough messing around...let's get some results!" My husband and I are going to do it again without a doubt for baby number 2. My heart is with you and your husband. Stay positive...it WILL happen!

    Hugs,
    Jenni

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    1. Jenni,

      Thank you so much for reaching out to me again and sharing...and congratulations! Hearing stories like yours really give me hope. I don't think of IVF as giving up...I just wasn't expecting to hear them suggest IVF so quickly. We've had some time to think it over, and we're open to the idea of moving forward more aggressively if that's what our doctor decides to do. One thing is for sure...after two years, we're about ready for some results ;) Hopefully IVF will be our ticket.

      Thanks again :) xo
      Natalie

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